Once a lady came up and hugged me in Mega Mart , only to look into my face closely and suddenly realize she had mistaken me for her dentist. I never realized that dentists were so chummy with their patients and her look of total embarrassment, upon realizing her mistake, was really priceless.
You see, aside from the unusual and largely useless super power of, “Always being asked for advice”, I also have the even less useful and potentially dangerous “Familiar Face” super power, that Ruthibelle perfectly described, in her recent blog.
Basically anywhere I go, no matter how remote or distant, no matter how far removed, from my normal circles of orbit, I always encounter some curious person, who swears they’ve met me before.
“Haven’t I met you somewhere before ?”, they ask.
Sometimes, after talking with me they realize they’ve made a mistake at which point they swear that the person they know, “Joe Blow”, or whoever, looks exactly like me.
Sometimes I know the person who they say looks like me or I get to see a photo of the “doppelganger” later on. Sadly, I’ve found that these people they think look “exactly” like me are invariably “unprepossessing” or downright ugly and of course have no similarity to me at all.
This got me thinking and I realized it’s similar to how many people think all Asians look alike or the way “every Jamaican looks the same” to some tourists.
In Jamaica where people are habitually lumped into racial classes, “cooley”, “whiteman”,”browning”, “chiney”, it’s easy for people to mistakenly think you look just like someone else from whatever group. They don’t take time to look for anything more that might identify you.
Every Chinese (and even the Japanese too) becomes “Mr. Chin” to them. It’s even sadder if your name really is “Mr. Chin”. Everyone thinks they know you, yet they don’t know anything about you at all.
When you’re racially mixed, and belong to maybe three or more of such groupings, it’s even more likely you’ll look like someone they know, “exactly the same”, to them, in fact.
Clothing and accessories can help create problems too. Wear glasses and you look like every other nerd out there. Wear the brand that their friend sports and your alibi is permanently screwed-up. Heaven forbid if you drive the same type of car.
” But you must be Joe Blow Chin, the Cooley from Manor Ghetto, because him drive a Honda too.”, they will tell you with all sincerity.
Ok, I guess I don’t know my own name then.
My advice is to beat a hasty retreat, smile if you must but don’t even wave. Being the wrong person at the wrong time can get you killed. Looking like Joe Blow is my daily grind but looking like Joe Grind can get your head blown off (no puns intended). I mean some jealous husband out there could really kill you.
Once when I was in high school just walking home a guy in a car stopped and politely asked me if my name was Jason. I said no at which point I was met with a stream of obscenities. ” I’m looking for that guy Jason, who lives around here, him dead if I ever find him.”, said the irate driver and then the car sped off. If this person had been a trifle more hot headed I would have been seriously hurt while the real Jason or Joe Grind continued to have his fun.
Coincidences do happen but it’s a real dumb way to get killed.
Strangely enough there was a time when my next door neighbor had the same last name as my mom and drove the same type of car and they were both members of the same church and even had the same occupation. It was an incredible coincidence but very real. They didn’t look much alike though.
Even more bizarre however was this particular instance when a lady, I used to work with, kept telling me she knew someone that looked just like me. Of course with my super-powers I thought nothing much of it. “Yes, yes, I’m sure you do, he looks just like me, I’m sure.”, I replied sarcastically with a smug smile. Finally with an air of haughty satisfaction she brought a company magazine with Joe Blow’s photo. I stared at the photo. I stared again. I felt kind of tired, suddenly, I had to sit down. I stared one more time.
The smug smile was completely wiped off my face. It was the Horror of Horrors. I’d have preferred to stare at a monster, a Frankenstein, a Creature from the Black Lagoon. Instead it was …myself. A real doppelganger. I felt like Leonardo Di Caprio…The Man in the Iron Mask…he looked more like me than my own brothers do. I had thought it was fiction, but his baldness, his sharp eyes, his every handsome feature…they were all mine too. I was looking at myself and I did not know him.
I was looking at myself and I did not know him. That’s deep.
Since then other people have mistaken me for this person also. The guy works at some credit union and he really looks like he could be my brother or something, at least in the photo I saw. Then to top it off his last name was very similar to mine, just slightly different. That is kinda scary, makes you wonder. Are we really that unique ?
“Haven’t I met you somewhere before ?”.
Nah, you just saw my face on Facebook.
“Haven’t I met you somewhere before ?”.
Not in this lifetime. Keep on moving.
For some bizarre reason, which I still can’t fully fathom, people often ask me for directions to places even though I’m just as lost as they are.
They always ask me and they get upset if I say I don’t know. Maybe it’s because I wear glasses, or something, all I know is, people expect me to know stuff and they always ask for my advice.
When I’m in a store, for instance, people always come up to me and ask me where various items are, as if I work there or something. Quite often I’m trying to find the same items they are and also have no clue.
(Sometimes I’m tempted to act like I work there and then advise them to shop somewhere else, kinda like what Danny Devito did in the movie “Ruthless People” when he answered a wrong number. “Who do you want ? You want Mary ? (wrong number) . Yeah Mary is here, but I’m shagging her right now, call back later okay ? “, that guy Danny always cracks me up.)
Anyway, let’s get back to whatever convoluted point I was trying to make. I was saying, it seems that while drifting around aimlessly from aisle to aisle, searching for the latest version of sliced Hardo bread, I appear to know what I’m doing. Or perhaps, in their desperation, they really don’t even care anymore where they get advice from. They ask me. Anything they need to know.
Lately though, aside from being asked for directions to the cucumber or hearing that common query, ” Where is the whipped cream ? “, I’ve noticed that lately many people are asking me about the three M’s.
You know ? The three M’s. Matchmaking, Marraige and Masturbation.
Ok, I lied, they only ask me about marraige, but I find that it often reveals that they really have a problem finding a decent match and this frustration seems to be driving more and more to seek Masturbation as a temporary solution. They don’t tell me this last one either, but I can read between the lines, and I know where the Mozarella is too, because I read between the aisles.
Here’s my best advice to you, before you even ask ;
Match Making. If you’re reading blogs, instead of hanging out at sleazy bars and stageshows, then chances are you’ll have better luck at online dating than in trying to break the ice in person. My matchmaking advice is Do it Yourself . Just take a good photo of yourself and post it along with an interesting profile at Tagged and Vibesconnect. Facebook is also an excellent place to network, or meet people, but it’s not really designed for dating and I would recommend it solely for business contacts and for keeping in touch with old friends.
Marraige. It’s all based on communication. In my case things improved a lot once my wife got a laptop and we could message each other from different rooms of the house.
Since that might not work well for everyone read this blog by a pastor and practice what he preaches. Keep learning and hopefully your spouse does the same.
Masturbation. My masturbation advice is do not Do it Yourself , it can be dangerous.
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