Heavy Logix.

Lateral Thoughts on Life.

This is not a suicide note.

[ This piece was written in 2001, it has been published before in a journal called Jamaican Diaspora, sadly it’s non-fiction. Thankfully I have travelled a far way since then but in all journeys we must remember the good and also the bad. I also hope it may help someone that reads it. Live !]


This is not a suicide note.

It’s a message to myself . Something I’ll read when my life is going merrily, merrily, like a dream, to keep myself humble. It’s a note to remember that I was once feeling more pain than I’d wish on my worst enemy. A pain of being lonely, a pain of not accomplishing my goals in life. A pain of watching life pass me by and feeling invisible and helpless.

It was painful mental anguish which made the idea of looking into a deep gully and trying to fly seem intriguing. The knowledge that hard concrete would end this pain seemed inviting. What would it be like, I wondered, hurtling through the sky ? I imagine it feels quite liberating at first, the sensation of bungee jumping without a rope , but then as you near the bottom I imagine that your basic instincts desire to live, you change your mind, you decide to stop falling . You scream ” NOoooooo !”. Gravity does not listen . I guess that your mind then goes blank overloaded from the sheer panic caused by a terrible mistake.

Thoughts of my own funeral , who would attend ? What would they say ?

I guess Wayne would be there. He’s my older brother and perhaps he’d remember that he once predicted I’d end up dead in a gully. He’d think of his friend a fellow singer who comitted suicide and the song he wrote about a suicidal lottery winner years ago. The song was always one of my favourites. I may be slightly biased but I think Wayne is an even better song writer than Bob Marley himself. Michael I’s amazing bass guitar and my brother’s lyrics, a perfect combination.

Colin possibly would be there also. Perhaps a moment like this would make him remember that he’s my brother. Then again perhaps not.

Choose Life !

Choose Life !

My Mom would be totally distraught . I would never intentionally do anything to make my mother cry. Truly a Mother’s Love is the most powerful thing God ever created. I know because it saved my life.

My Dad. What would he be thinking ? No one would ever know. He’d be as silent now as always, the tear flowing down his cheek speaking more eloquently than any words. Perhaps he’d wonder about his own father. The man he never knew. The ghost who seems to have haunted our lives silently. Perhaps my dad would hate this ghost for all he never did. I thank him for what he did do. The one act he felt was a mistake was the greatest thing this ghost ever did. The ghost haunts me no more. I will not listen to this ghost who encourages us to turn our back on life and to ignore our destiny. I forgive this ghost, not because what he did can be ever be condoned, but because I refuse to continue this cycle. I use this ghost’s real mistake, the mistake of not raising his son, as an inspiration and a motivation to live differently and responsibly.

I choose life.

Shelly, the woman I love. She never knew the pain I was going through. I realize now that was a big mistake, her love was always there for me, her words would have soothed my pain. I never wanted her to see my weakness. I always wanted to be there for Shelly, to always be strong not realizing that if I shut her out from my problems I’d be making us both weaker.

No, this is not a suicide note. ( I’m way too pretty to ever be in a closed casket. )

It’s a man realizing and deciding to use the only thing he truly owns. His life.

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February 24, 2009 - Posted by | non fiction, Psychology, suicide, writing

5 Comments »

  1. Interesting look into your life.

    Where can we hear some of your brother’s songs?

    Comment by Mad Bull | March 2, 2009 | Reply

  2. My brother used the stage name Wayne Insane and he was signed by Chris Blackwell to Island Records under the band name “Dead Dog”. His partner in Dead Dog was a genius bass guitarist named Michael Irvine who probably became most famous later for backing Yellow Man.Irvine was a quiet guy but his guitar could talk. Irvine also played for The Sagittarius Band which did most of the reggae shows at one time.

    Only song of Dead Dog that got much airplay in Jamaica was a single titled “Hotshot”.This was way before Shaggy had a smash hit “Hotshot” and also long before every rapper on the west coast was calling himself Snoop Dogg or Nate Dogg, etc. My brother was too far ahead of his time.

    If you can locate any of his songs still I’d be surprised, since that was the era of vinyl.Ini Kamoze was also signed by Island around the same time. Neither Wayne nor Ini was well promoted in my opinion. Ini Kamoze had his breakthrough hit “Here comes the Hotstepper” many, many years later, making me wonder what would have happened if they had both been promoted well, in their prime.

    Comment by heavylogix | March 3, 2009 | Reply

  3. I used to think life was not worth living if it turned sour because dreams were not coming through, but after a while I figured out the formula – you can’t expect dreams to work out if you don’t put plans in place. I heard that 100 times but it didn’t mean anything to me — it was just the gibberish that you hear when people talk about big things.

    I had dreams and I just expected them to happen all on their own. I don’t mean i wasn’t working toward them at all, but I had no specific map to travel on. I didn’t make the contacts I needed to make, I didn’t make the sacrifices, I just worked a regular job and figured “one day” but that is the dead end road.

    And that wasn’t the biggest problem, – the biggest problem was that I didn’t know how to connect the dots, and even worse than that, I didn’t prevent things from coming into my life -things that didn’t fit into the picture of my dream just came rolling in and I never noticed that I was building my own obstacle course. Having kids, getting married, delaying school and never delaying pleasures – those things are all fine when they fulfill you. And you can have them all, but you have to chose the timing… you can’t put the cart before the horse. All those idioms didn’t mean anything to me until my own horse was in front of my horse. Those things should have been sacrificed for a later time.

    Nothing is wrong with being practical — everything is wrong with living haphazardly.

    Comment by tammy | March 17, 2009 | Reply

  4. Thanx for your comment Tammy. I still need to set goals and work to achieve them more and I still tend to drift too much. Pity we often learn best by making mistakes, it is so much less painful to learn from others mistakes.

    Comment by heavylogix | March 17, 2009 | Reply

  5. […] my soul, and risked embarrassment, at times, with intensely personal, and unfortunate memoirs, like “This is not a Suicide note” and “Sleepless on […]

    Pingback by Blogging. My first year. « Heavy Logix. | January 9, 2010 | Reply


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